Fear

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Yesterday I had an appointment with my renal team to check up on my kidney function. This is something that doesn’t generally bother me as my kidney failure hasn’t really changed in the last few years.

Sunday night though, I found myself feeling gradually more and more stressed about the thought of going to the hospital. It just feels like a place now where I experience pain and distress and I’m always waiting for the next piece of bad news. My husband knowing me pretty well could see I was getting more anxious and upset as I couldn’t even make up my mind whether to drive myself there or get the train, so he took the decision out of my hands and took me himself.

The thing is this fear is becoming a recurring theme and often visits me in my sleep at night. I regularly dream about being in pain in hospital and about being in ICU. Random conversations that I think I had in my drugged up state pop into my brain and take over my thoughts. I feel like I’m constantly reliving bad memories.

More upsetting for me are the dreams that take me to a future where my cancer has returned, usually in my liver and lung. I think that’s being over prepared with information as I know that bowel cancer will normally metastase into the liver or lungs. I feel angry that my biggest fear in life is getting cancer again. I constantly try to reason with myself that I’ve had every possible surgery and treatment to not only treat but prevent a return but I still have that nagging in my head that it’s not a guarantee. I don’t want to live my life  always feeling scared of what’s around the corner. I want to look forward to things, make plans and even do stupid stuff like go out and get drunk without worrying about what effect it may have on my colostomy or chemo. I want to be happy and not feel worried by life. I get irritated when I’m told to relax. I can’t relax…that’s when you let your guard down and bad things happen.

I guess it’s part of being a grown up though. Everyone has stresses and worries. I just feel like I’ve had more than my share now.

Wow, all that from one insignificant medical appointment. So how did it go? Well as usual it was fine. Nothing dramatic to report.

Stupid fear.

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