Looking Back, Looking Forward

Split Roads 660x440

With treatment now finished, my health improving and life having now settled into a slow and steady pace, it has given me time to reflect on what has been and make decisions about what I want to do with my future.

Life before cancer had, well, by both mine and my husband’s admission had got ‘meh’. We had settled into a routine of going about our daily working lives without really making any firm plans. We were drifting.

Way before the cancer, just after we got married, our firm plans included starting a family. It was our main focus and unfortunately became an unobtainable one. A warning from my renal consultant and a miscarriage later and we were feeling hurt. From a shut away, safe distance we watched our friends and some of our family become parents, whilst we continued to drift not really knowing what to do next, but we still had a tiny hope in the back of our heads that maybe it would happen.

Having dusted ourselves off and after pulling myself together. Last year, we made a positive decision that not being able to have children naturally wouldn’t prevent us from becoming parents. We embarked on the path to adoption. ¬†Everything was going great and we passed each stage with flying colours. We had just completed our adoption classes and were ready for the final stages.

And then cancer happened.

And cancer treatment vapourised any last remaining hope of having children naturally and has put on hold for at least the next few years any plans to adopt.

I felt sad but I didn’t have the raw grief anymore that had followed me for the last few years. It gave us a reason to make firm plans and decide what is it we want from life

First things first, I want to get better! My immediate plans obviously involve recovering from my forthcoming surgery and getting through the final six months of chemotherapy. I have dreams of being able to finally post that “I’ve kicked cancer’s butt’!

Next on the list is to save enough money to be able to buy a house. Something we’ve wanted to do for years but never really made a concentrated effort to do so.

Thanks to cancer, I’ve rediscovered my love for writing. This blog has given me back that passion and allowed an outlet where I can make sense of my thoughts and emotions. I want to take this further and see how far it can get me. Maybe I’ll write a book one day. I feel that I have one in me.

I want to be able to give something back, it might only be in words. People who know me will know that I’m not the best at dealing with other people’s illnesses (considering I spend a lot of time in hospital, I really do hate them). I’ve ‘met’ some amazing people through social media who are going through or have been through cancer and their positivity and kindness is completely infectious.

But who knows what the future holds. Maybe something will knock me off track again, maybe I will need to go back through all of this again…it happens. What I do know is that cancer may have knocked me off my original road but it has also given me the strength and a hunger to build a better and more exciting road.


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