If you’re easily offended then maybe don’t read this post any further. I don’t mean to come across as ungrateful or just a complete cow but I said that this blog would be as honest as I could be. I’m not singling out any particular person as everyone has said ‘this’ to me at one point or another but here goes…
I’m uncomfortable with being called brave. A lot of people have said to me that I’m being brave by what I’m doing. BUT I’m not doing anything. I haven’t chosen to put myself in a dangerous situation. I haven’t chosen to go to war, I don’t face any danger in the line of duty and I’ve never saved anybody. I didn’t choose to have cancer, it chose me. Given half a chance I’d run a mile from it screaming if it was something I could see.
When people tell me I’m brave, I feel like a fraud. Put yourself in my position. what would you do? Well, I’m guessing that you would do what I’m doing. You would put yourself through the surgeries, adapt to your new body and tolerate the treatment because your doctors have told you that’s what you should do.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying hard to make the best out of a bad situation. I realise that curling up in a corner and wailing like a banshee isn’t going to get me very far. Writing this blog alone has kept me sane. It’s allowed me to get those jumbled up, irrational, scary thoughts out of my head and make slightly more sense of them as formed words.
I get scared a lot. I’m a control freak by nature (just ask my husband) and no matter how hard I try, I can’t control cancer. I’m at the mercy of a group of strangers who tell me that they need to cut me open, crisp my butt cheeks and pump me full of cytotoxic drugs to cure my illness and all this will happen as and when they say it’s appropriate.
On Friday, I had my follow-up MRI and CT scans to see how well the treatment has worked. Aside from the fact that I spent a skull numbing 14 hours on a hospital ward attached to a drip just to have said scans ( long story, too boring to explain). These were just regular, part of the process scans. The irrational side in me though can’t help screaming ‘arrrgghhhh the cancer will have spread, it’s going to be everywhere – it’s now terminal’. There is nothing to suggest this, in fact, my cancer symptoms has disappeared, I feel a lot better and I’m starting to put my weight back on so based on facts, the scans should show a positive improvement.
The point is, I get scared A LOT so how can I be brave? If you ask me how I’m feeling, I will probably tell you that I’m ok as it’s a lot easier and better for public safety if I don’t unleash the rantings in my head.
It’s probably worth you all knowing though, that I’m not brave, I’m scared and I don’t have a choice.